Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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