I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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