It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
