Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
