Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
