I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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