No stitches, just platelets and will power
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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