Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize