So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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