i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
