You're my little dorito
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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