Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
