where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Four minutes until I can fart!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
