Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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