it wasn't lemon gatorade
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
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Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
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Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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