I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
