The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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