do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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