Barsexuality is the new black.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
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I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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