i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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