My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
