Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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