My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
