nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
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My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We are all done wearing pants today
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize