i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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