my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
