This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
