I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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