just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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