My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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