You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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