at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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