Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
