what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
