Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
