If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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