I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We got so high we made milksteak
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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