Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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