You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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