watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
