she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
