My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
