I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
