I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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