I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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