He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
