My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
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No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
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I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.