By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
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I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??