***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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