I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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