He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
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Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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