remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
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I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
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Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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