She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
