I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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